There are many reasons why someone suffering with mental illness may not be open to getting help. The issue could be as simple as not believing that they have a problem or much more complex. They could be afraid of the stigma that might come along with a diagnosis, fearful that other people might treat them differently or have concerns about being admitted to a hospital. When this person is your loved one it can be incredibly difficult to accept that they aren’t getting the help that you know they need. The reality is that the way that you react and support (or don’t support) your loved one as they go through their journey of recovery can affect the outcome.
While it may be hard to watch your loved one struggle and your natural instincts will be telling you to push your loved one to get help, it is important to understand that pushing may not result in them agreeing to help. The more you push, and the more aggressive your efforts are, the greater the chances that your loved one will resist, push back, withdraw from your relationship and try to take more control of their life. The first thing you must do is recognize that you can’t force your loved one to get help or control what they do. The next step is to recognize that you only have control over your own words and actions and that those words and actions will affect your relationship with your loved one.
Remember, if you want to have a chance of guiding your loved one down a path towards getting help, you have to have a strong relationship with them. The following are things to consider when supporting your loved one through their journey and towards recovery. Not only will these help to strengthen your relationship, they will keep the lines of influence and communication open, while reducing some of your suffering.
Communicating with Your Loved One
Listen and Validate
If your relationship with your loved one is strained, it can be important to realize that sometimes we need to stop talking and take the time to “just listen”. Don’t listen to respond, but listen to try and understand what your loved one is telling you. Hear their words. Listen with the objective of trying to understand the meaning behind each word. Pay attention to the subtle intonations in their voice and their body language. Validate the truth in what they are saying. Validate what they are feeling, even if you don’t agree. Remember, their perceptions, thoughts and feelings are real to them. When your loved one feels heard and understood they will be more willing to open up and trust in your relationship.
Use “I” statements instead of “You”
Take the approach of using “I” statements when discussing the importance of treatment. This will allow you to focus on your own feelings, without placing blame or criticizing your loved one. When you talk about your feelings, there is a lesser chance that your loved one will become defensive. For example instead of saying “You need help”, you can say “when you say you are thinking about suicide I worry about you and am afraid that I might lose you. I think it may be helpful for you to have the opportunity to talk to someone about those feelings”.
Exploring Options Together
Ask questions
Your loved one will not agree to get help if they do not want it, or if they don’t see the value in it. Try approaching them with curiosity. Ask questions to find out what their goals, wants, needs and concerns are. Open your mind to see things from their perspective. Once you know how they are feeling and what their own goals and objectives are, you can support them and guide them towards meeting those goals. By asking questions and listening, you will discover that while your loved one may be lost, they have their own goals. Their goals may be different than yours, and that doesn’t make them wrong, it just makes them different.
Resist the Urge to fix or give advice
Although it can feel like this is our struggle and our fight, you have to remember that this is your loved one’s journey, not yours. Fight the urge to jump in and try to fix things. Maintain your relationship, build trust and wait for your loved one to come to you. Empower them to solve their own problems and find their own solutions. Jumping in to try and fix things or giving unsolicited advice can make it seem like you feel that they are incapable, useless or fragile. Helping them devise ways to solve their own problems shows support and let’s them know you trust them and feel that they are capable.
Engage in Self Care
One of the key things when supporting a loved one with a mental illness is that you need to ensure you are taking care of yourself. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to help your loved one. We often use the analogy of the emergency instructions we are given on an airplane. The flight crew always tells us to put on our own oxygen mask, before helping others. In this context it makes sense. You are not going to be able to help anyone else, if you pass out! The same is true as a caregiver. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to help your loved one. Even though it may go against every instinct that you have as a caregiver, it is important that you force yourself to engage in self-care.
- Make time to do things you enjoy.
- Ask for help from family and friends if you need it.
- Don’t isolate yourself. Make the time to see family and friends.
- Be respectful of your own boundaries and set limits.
- Take care of your physical and mental health and seek professional support if needed.
Educate Yourself
Knowledge is power. The more you know about mental illness and addiction, the better equipped you will be to support your loved one. Take time to read articles, books, review websites and attend education sessions.
Throw Out Your Timetable
There is no magic timeline for recovery. Even if there was, it would be your loved one’s timeline and not yours. Your loved one’s journey will take its own unique path and it will progress at a pace that they are comfortable with. Inserting your own expectations of a timeframe for recovery will only set you up for disappointment and hardship.
Respect the process! When your loved one moves forward or when they regress, move forward or backwards with them, even if they push you away. There will be times when this is hard, or even ugly and that’s okay. Let your loved one feel they are valued, supported and loved, regardless of their diagnosis. This is their life story, you are a part of it, and it will unfold as it should, not as you want it to.