Creating Healthy Boundaries

Creating boundaries is an essential part of self care and while it is simple enough to do in theory, the practical reality is that it is often one of the harder things for us to do.  Establishing boundaries is not for our loved ones and it requires a level of healthy selfishness that we just aren’t used to exhibiting, but this is necessary for us to preserve our own physical and emotional well-being.

By recognizing the need to create boundaries and enforce limits, we are able to protect our self esteem, maintain self-respect and enjoy relationships that are healthy for both parties.  The danger in not respecting boundaries is that our energy and patience will be diminished and we may start to feel resentful and/or angry which can lead to substance abuse,  depression, anxiety, fatigue and burnout.  None of these are good for us, nor are they good for our loved ones who need us to be capable and strong for them as well.

Clear boundaries show respect for our relationships with our loved ones and allow us to remain connected with open lines of communication.  It shows your loved one that you value yourself (modelling behaviour they can follow) and that not only do you want to maintain a strong, healthy and safe  relationship with them, but you are also willing to take the difficult steps that might be needed to make it happen.

What are Boundaries?

A boundary is a limit of what is reasonable for you to accept and helps define how another person should act or behave when they are around you.  A boundary creates a clear definition of what is acceptable to you and what is not.  Personal boundaries are your own “do not enter” or “no trespassing signs” that define where you end and others begin, or where others end and you begin.  We all have the right to determine what we allow within our boundaries and what needs to stay on the outside.

 

Boundaries will generally fall into one of the following broad categories:

Physical:  your personal space, sexual orientation, touching

Emotional:  separating your feelings from those of another

Intellectual: your thoughts, values, beliefs and opinions

Material:  things you are able comfortable lending, limits on your time, etc.

 

Poorly established boundaries are unhealthy and characterized by one or more of the following:

• a poor sense of self, basing how you feel about yourself on the opinions of others;
• feeling that you are responsible for someone else’s happiness;
• always putting the needs of others ahead of your own;
• the inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment;
• allowing others to make decision for you;
• allowing your connection to others to supersede your connection to yourself and
• closing yourself off and not expressing your needs or wants.

In comparison, healthy boundaries allow us to:

• say “yes” or “no” ourselves and accept when others say “no”;
• be connected with others while maintaining a strong sense of self at the same time;
• separate our needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others;
• share personal information in a mutually beneficial and trusting way;
• to protect our physical and emotional space from intrusion;
• have a partnership with our loved one where happiness is a shared responsibility
• to make healthy choices for ourselves and to engage in self care

Why are boundaries important in a relationship?

Boundaries are a necessary part of any relationship and are a key step in allowing us to engage in self-care and maintain our self respect.  Establishing boundaries allows us to set limits in a structured, healthy manner and in doing so we are communicating what our needs are to the other person.  Boundaries allow both parties in a relationship to respect each other’s autonomy and independence because while the relationship and the other person are both important, you are important as well.  The final, and perhaps most important thing that establishing boundaries does is to help us avoid burnout as caregivers and sustain a healthy relationship over time without feelings of self-pity or resentment.

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is about “you”, and what you need to be physically and mentally healthy.  At first you will probably feel selfish, guilty or embarrassed when you set a boundary, but you need to persevere and do it regardless of these feelings.  Remember, you have a right and a responsibility to take care of yourself.

Learning to set these boundaries takes time, practice and determination.  Recognize that when you are feeling resentment, anger or find yourself complaining that it is probably time to set or adjust a boundary.  Create a support system of people around you that understand and respect your right to set boundaries.

Be prepared for your loved one to push back if you say “no” to some things, or try to communicate your needs – especially if you have never done it before.  Remember, you are not responsible for how your loved one reacts, your only responsibility is to communicate in a clear and respectful manner.  Your loved one may try to test your limits to see what lines they can cross, and if you give in then not only have you not set a boundary, but you have reinforced that what you say or want doesn’t matter and this will make it more difficult to establish boundaries in the future.  By setting your boundaries it teaches your loved one what is acceptable and what your values are, but it also makes them feel loved and secure.  By setting a good example, you are providing a template by which your loved one can learn to respect their own personal boundaries.